it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
