ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
