I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
