so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
