The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
