i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
