I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
