you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize