Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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