I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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