I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
