New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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