You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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