What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize