there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
