Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
