So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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