i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
