Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
