It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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