Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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