seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
