I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
