So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
