i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
