not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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