Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
