just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
