So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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