I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
