u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
