So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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