you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
