i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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