Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
