the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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