I think i peed on brittanys purse
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
