He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
