I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
