i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
