when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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