I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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