I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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