I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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