I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
