saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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