He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
