Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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