I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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