I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
