ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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