Cold hands, warm shart.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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