i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
