If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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