I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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