I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
