Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
