saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
