Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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