Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
