I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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