My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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