Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Found the puke drawer
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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