oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
whose parrot is this?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
