just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
