i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
