Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
