I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
