My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
