I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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