I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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